I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
