I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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