My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
