sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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