Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
