I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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