Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
