Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
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