I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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