your parents love me but you hate me
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
