Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He passed out mid-signature
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
