one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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