He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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