the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
you traded sex for a burrito?
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
