My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
You have to summon your inner elephant
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Randomize
