at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Randomize
