while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize