the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
