I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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