i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
