You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
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