Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
