Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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