Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
