take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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