i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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