Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize