Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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