either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Randomize