he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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