After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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