I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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