I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
