i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
