What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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