Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
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