i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
