I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
