Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
