True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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