yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
I think my fart just growled at me.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Sorry my hands just texted you
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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