Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Randomize
