Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
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