If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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