So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
