I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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