You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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