Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
