Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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