Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
