i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
