She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
