I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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