I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
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