You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
