Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
