nut hugger
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
