You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
