tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
