I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I look better un-naked...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
