sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
