He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize