Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Randomize
