Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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