so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
